Christmas Pageant

IT'S ALL IN THE WAY YOU INTERPRET IT.....EH !

My husband and I had been happily married (most of the time) for five years but hadn't been blessed with a baby. I decided to do some serious praying and promised God that if he would give us a  child, I would be a perfect mother, love it with all my heart and raise it with His word as my guide. God answered my prayers and blessed us with a son. The next year God blessed us with another son. The following year, He blessed us with yet another son.  The year after that we were blessed with a daughter.
My husband thought we'd been blessed right into poverty. We now had four children, and the oldest was only four years old. I learned never to ask God for anything unless I meant it. As a minister once told me, "If you pray for rain,  make sure you carry an umbrella."
I began reading a few verses of the Bible to the children  each day as they lay in their cribs.. I was off to a good start.  God had entrusted me with four children and I didn't want to disappoint Him. I tried to be patient the day the children smashed two dozen eggs on the kitchen floor searching for baby chicks. I tried to be understanding...when they started a hotel for homeless frogs in the spare bedroom, although it took me nearly two hours to catch all twenty-three frogs. When my daughter poured ketchup all over herself and rolled up in a blanket to see how it felt to be a hot dog, I tried to see the humor rather than the mess. In spite of changing over twenty-five thousand diapers, never eating a hot meal and never sleeping for more than thirty minutes at a time, I still thank God daily for my children.
While I couldn't keep my promise to be a perfect mother-- I didn't even come close--I did keep my promise to raise them in the Word of God.
I knew I was missing the mark just a little when I told my daughter we were going to church to worship God, and she wanted to bring a bar of soap along to "wash up" Jesus, too. Something was lost in the translation when I explained that God gave us everlasting life, and my son thought it was generous of God to give us his "last  wife."
My proudest moment came during the children's Christmas pageant. My daughter was playing Mary, two of my sons were shepherds and my youngest son was a wise man. This was their moment to shine. My five-year-old shepherd had practiced his
line,"We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes." But he was nervous and said, "The baby was wrapped in wrinkled clothes." My four-year-old "Mary" said, "That's not 'wrinkled clothes,' silly. That's dirty, rotten clothes." A wrestling match broke out between Mary and the shepherd and was stopped by an angel, who bent her halo and lost her left wing. I slouched a little lower in my seat when Mary dropped the doll representing Baby Jesus, and it bounced down the aisle crying, "Mama-mama." Mary grabbed the doll, wrapped it back up and held it tightly as the wise men arrived. My other son stepped forward wearing a  bathrobe and a paper crown, knelt at the manger and announced, "We are the three wise men,  and we are bringing gifts of gold, common sense and fur." The congregation dissolved into laughter, and the pageant got a standing ovation.
“I've never enjoyed a Christmas program as much as this one," laughed the pastor, wiping tears from his eyes. "For the rest of my life, I'll never hear the Christmas story without thinking of gold, common sense and fur."  “My children are my pride and my joy and my greatest blessing," I said as I dug through my purse for an aspirin.
Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master. Had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher. Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer. Had no army, yet kings feared Him. He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world. He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him. He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today. Feel honored to serve such a Leader who loves us. If you believe in God, and in Jesus Christ His Son, share this email with whomever you wish. GOD BLESS YOU ALL!

Major Terrorist Arrested!

composite sketch of suspect

Terrorist Arrested Following Joint Investigation by IRS, INS, and FWS
by Daniel J. Mitchell
© 2011, Townhall.com

U.S. Federal agents arrested Santa Claus earlier today at the North Pole.


The United States Department of Fish and Wildlife has arrested Santa Claus, an elusive figure with many aliases (e.g., St. Nicholas). On the morning of 24 December, 150 heavily armed Fish and Wildlife special agents raided Claus’ North Pole compound, seized several tons of exotic woods forbidden by the Lacey Act, arrested Santa Claus and a female accomplice identified only as Mrs. Claus, and liberated thousands of diminutive slave laborers known only as “Elves”.
Claus has been charged with multiple counts of money laundering, illegal exportation of currency, illegally importing into the United States toys made of contraband–rare woods, ivory and other banned substances. He has also been charged with violations of slave labor and child labor laws, hundreds of patent and trademark violations, and illegally entering and exiting the United States.
Indeed, Fish and Wildlife agents also seized an unidentified aircraft called a “sleigh” which had numerous secret compartments holding the contraband. Fish and Wildlife agents charged Mr. Claus with animal cruelty with regard to the caribou that he used to launch this “sleigh”.

Agent Smith

Special Agent Hugo Smith said, “We arrived just in the nick of time. A moment later, and the caribou would have launched the sleigh and Claus would have escaped with the illegal materials. By now, he would be in the United States, breaking into people’s houses and selling this stuff.”
The United States Department of Immigration and the Internal Revenue Service have also had their eyes on Mr. Claus. An immigration official who also attended the raid said that they were able to obtain several dozen passports. He said, “It seems that this Santa Claus character has a different name in every country–his EU passport says, ‘Father Christmas’ and his Canadian passport says, ‘Père Noël’. We have, however, determined with certainty that Santa Claus is a United States citizen.”
Apparently Claus worked in Hollywood during the 1940s and 50s making autobiographical films, such as Miracle on 34th Street. During that time he applied for and received U.S. citizenship.
Douglas Shulman, Commissioner of the IRS, has released the following statement:

IRS Commissioner

At long last, the notorious tax cheat, Santa Claus, has been apprehended. He has been living in a foreign country for the last 50 years and during that time he has not filed his US taxes even once. It has become clear, however, that he has run a lucrative business at the North Pole and has never reported any of the income. In addition to criminal tax evasion, we intend to charge Santa Claus with 190 counts of criminal failure to file Foreign Bank Account Reports (FBAR), as we found evidence in his papers that he is operating or has signing authority on bank accounts in 190 different countries. It is our contention that the fines alone could help us bring billions in revenue into the United States government.

Pleased to Nab a Tax Cheat

According to United States law, all United States Citizens are required to pay taxes to the IRS and to report any foreign bank accounts. Failure to obey these filing requirements may result in civil and criminal penalties including imprisonment.
The Obama administration declared that they were very pleased with the news.. ”It is about time,” Obama said from his Hawaiian retreat, “that the United States returned those who have fled the country just because they don’t feel like paying their fair share anymore.”
The Republican candidate for president, Ron Paul criticized the raid, “The United States has neither the authority nor the right to go into another country and enforce its laws. Santa Claus is a citizen of the North Pole and it is overreach for us to go there and arrest him.”
Also running for president, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich responded to Paul, “The United States must reserve the right to arrest terrorists and to violate the rule of law in order to provide safety for the People of the United States.”
Prime Minister Stephen Harper of Canada said that his government did everything that they could to help the United States, even to the point of allowing the use of Canadian air space. ”We are cooperating with the good faith efforts of the United States to eliminate terrorists in order to maintain the safety and security of all Canadians.”

Divorce v. Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,"I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Shopping with your man

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon.


Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded:

"Where the hell are you?"

Husband:

"Darling, you remember that Jewellery shop where you saw the diamond

necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time

and I said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."

What a Dog does when it's Cold

This dog knows exactly what to do when he gets cold ... one of the smartest dogs I've ever seen!
Shared from YouTube this 15 second video is worth watching more than once.

How to Decide Who to Marry

  those tough questions about getting married answered by kids 7 to 10 years old and wait till you hear how they see it!

                

 1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? 

 - You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --  Adam, age 10
 
- No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry ... God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --  Kayla, age 10  

 2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? 

 - Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Cathy, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF 2 PEOPLE ARE MARRIED

- You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
 -- Daryl,  age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? 

- Both don't want any more kids.  --  Lana, age 8 

5.  WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? 

- Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough..
  --  Laura, age 8 (isn't  she a treasure)  
 
- On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --  Michael, age 10  

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

- When they're rich. --  Paige, age 7
   
- The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - -  Collin, age 7
 
- The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to  do. -- Henry, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?  
- It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --  Alice, age 9 (bless  you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?  

- There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't  there? --  Keegan, age 8

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? 

- Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck . --  Robert,  age  10

The Wife from Hell

A  police officer  pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
 
The driver says,  "Gee, officer, I had it on  cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:  'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have  cruise control"

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
  "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,  "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "

             ( this is the best part)

"Only when he's been drinking."

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A professor at the University of Wisconsin was giving a lecture on Involuntary Muscular Contractions to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to spice up his lecture.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, “Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?”

She replied, “Usually out drinking with his buddies.”

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

anonymous

Us in 10 years

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, "That's us in 10 years.”

He said "That's a mirror, you moron!”