the Expanding Family

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed
a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his
paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding
salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much
more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his
chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as
many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady
struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also
a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen.
Gotta love those old folks

This is a cat

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University ..

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it!

  1.This is this cat.

     2. This is is cat.

        3. This is how cat.

           4. This is to cat.

            5. This is keep cat.

              6. This is an cat.

                 7. This is old cat.

                       8. This is fart cat.

                          9. This is busy cat.

                             10. This is for cat.

                                  11. This is forty cat.

                                        12. This is seconds cat.



Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

Just for Laughs

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written  an impressive new book.
It's called ... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite:  A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes, now, of course, there's shipping and handling too.



8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment ... for enjoying sex.

Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband
a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no
more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and
Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his
arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

40 years of Marriage

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
 
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk
car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

The Girl at the Beach

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.   One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day.  She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off.   But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?'   He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach.  Then we can find out what she's really doing.'

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave...   The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly.  'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

'Well, what is it then?  What does she do?' his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.'

'Batteries?' cried the wife.

'Yes!' he replied.




'She Sells C Cells down by the Seashore!'

Who's Going to Tell?

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the Limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that.  I'd lose my job!  What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.  The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.  (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence..

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop:  'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

The Pink Sweater

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating. '

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating' . Sally raised her hand.

She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a pink sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

One Liners

We have enough "youth".

How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

"I think Politicians should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we can identify their corporate sponsors."

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

Note on the Fridge-Pet Owners

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first-then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I can’t stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door.

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.